Flowers and leaves and things

So, I finally found autumn. Turns out it was hiding in the back garden all along.  I relish this season of transition, everything getting ready for the slow part of the year. There is still some warmth in the sun but you can smell the cooler air blowing in and before you know it - hey presto, jumpers and scarves and hats!! Score!


















I found some lovely potted Calla lilies in a beautiful shade of burgundy black. I can't describe them any other way than those 2 colours, darker than the deep red of a peony yet not quite as soulless as a black tulip. And there was just one crystallised drop of sap on the tip of one of its flowers. They made my day.

With the husband starting on his new day time hours at work I am filling in the time best I can. We are waiting til we are sure the boy child has settled in at college before I start hunting for work, that way I am on hand in case anything goes awry or he stresses out too much.
I'm now writing and creating, drawing and getting round to doing all the things I wished I could do if only I'd had the time... Currently I'm relearning crocheting. It's one of those things you learn as a child when you're sat next to your Grandma and she teaches you the rudimentary steps that were probably passed down from her Granny.
Except I am a little bit "if you don't use it you lose it" and I have forgotten it mostly BUT thank goodness for YouTube is all I can say :)

Along with all the doing I am finding my fingers are itching to pick up a book, any book will do but am grateful the husband bought me the sequel to
 Stephen King's "The Shining."

It carries on 20 years or more after the Overlook hotel and its darkness. I wonder which movie studio will buy the rights to it??

And this little beauty gives me a nudge when my eyelids start to droop and I need a bit of a pick me up!


















All in all I think October has been a fine month, let's see what November brings, shall we?

Yooohooo, anybody out there?

Most people are born into a religion, few have the chance to choose their own path.
I have felt, for a long while, the steady pull of what I can only describe as God. At first it was just a gentle nudge that made me want to read up on religion, then it became a little stronger and I delved deeper into several different paths to the divine but what made me struggle was that there wasn't a definitive yes or no. Depending on who you talk to they mostly only have eyes for their own personal beliefs, so ask a hundred people and you'll get a 100 answers...

Judaism, Hinduism, Christianity, Islam, Sikhism, Buddhism, Taoism, Shinto, Baha i, Paganism and on and on it goes...

So I'm going to put my thoughts down on metaphorical paper and see if that helps me!

First and foremost - God (I'll use the term God but for all I know it could be a she...) should be kind. None of this fire and brimstone lark. Who wants to be lead by fear? Not me, I'm more of a 'catch more with honey than vinegar' kinda gal. Kindness is this seasons' black - it should be the fashion of this era.
I think women are totally equal to men in every way and shouldn't be discriminated against just cos we have le boobies. In fact, if anything we are pretty awesome - we do the whole growing and feeding babies bit, that's an amazing thing eh?
Gay people have as much right as anyone to get married and live happily ever after, with kids if they want and with Gods approval too. God loves us all, each and every one of us, he sees beauty in all of us and judges us by our deeds and not by how we look.
Capriciousness is a big No No, like a parent - he should be consistent.
Evolution happened, there may or may not have been intelligent design behind it but Darwin was spot on. I once read a fictional book by David Eddings about Ul, the father of the Gods, in which he wrote that the universe was spun out of nothing but Ul was the spinner. This sounds plausible.

And God is in a personal relationship with each of us, a trusting & gentle personal friendship.


God is not hateful, covetous, spiteful, conversion crazy, unpredictable or distant. Neither is he a bearded old man who sits in the clouds! :)

Religion means so many things to so many people. Sometime good and sometimes bad, but which ever it is it shouldn't be extreme.

Also I'm not sure about Jesus yet. It is a heck of a burden to carry knowing that he had to die for me just so I can pass on the responsibility of my sins. I understand the whole "Needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" Mr Spock quote but why would God do that to his own son? And why can't God himself forgive us instead of getting his son in on the act. The trinity befuddles my brain - Father, Son and Holy Spirit??? Meh.

Each religion seems to have it's good and bad points and I'm narrowing them down all the time to find that one elusive path. But it's always just out of reach - I just want to know which yellow brick road I should be on.

I've even started to ask for signs from God/the universe/destiny - anyone who is listening in fact, just to gently turn me around and give me a little push onto the right road. No takers so far though... Could I just have a giant neon sign please :)

So I'll just keep on keeping on and look out for God who is obviously thinking it's a hoot to have a game of hide and seek with me. 8, 9, 10 ready or not here I come!!

Flexibility and Change.

You know the surfer dudes who live in SoCal or Hawaii? I want to be like them. They potter through life with just one goal - find the best waves and get in the water. Obviously I'm speaking metaphorically here but never the less. The fact that they go with the flow from one moment to the next is just awe inspiring to moi.

We, here in deepest, darkest suburbia are in a state of flux. All four of us (and that's without including the four legged residents who must surely be feeling it too) are heading, nay hurtling towards change.





The husband is having to make difficult choices at work due to restructuring and closures, not to mention the fairly substantial pay drop. This is so hard for him and I know he feels it keenly as he's the main 'breadwinner.' His love for us and desire to provide for us makes me feel blessed.
So after 10 years of working a night shift he is changing to working 2pm til 10pm. He is scared of not seeing us. We are scared of not seeing him.

The ever wonderful girl child (who has just turned 19!!!) starts a new chapter in her life as she moves 250 miles away to settle into life at university. This is sooooo weird as I barely feel old enough to have a few grey hairs let alone an adult daughter! Yikes. The even weirder thing is that friends who are of a similar age to me are just having their first babes and here's me with empty nest things happening. Is 40 old? She is ready for this though, just as she was ready to jump out of a plane a few days ago doing a tandem sky dive for charity. She is a tough one - this girl of mine. But she's made of sunshine and who doesn't love a bit of sunshine.

The magnificent boy is about to leap into the world of college after 16 years of being home schooled. He is off to the local 6th form college to start his foray into applied science. I think the college are lucky to have him :)
It is a wrench for most kids but especially so for someone who craves routine and the simplicity of the hum drum order of his life. The great unknown for someone with Asperger's can be uber stressful and this cascades through into all aspects of his life.
I'm pretty sure he is still grieving for my dear Dad and he has stopped eating and my strapping 16 year old young man of a child is down to 7 stone 11pounds. He has zero interest in food. He puts his feelings about his Grandpa to the back of his mind and doesn't address them - I think these emotions creep out in other areas though.

And as for me?? I'm redundant. My babes are heading out into the world and I'm packing away school books that are no longer needed. Paper and pens are hitting the back of old drawers and staying there. I'm no longer looking at things to pique the waning interest of a sulky 15 year old. The art stuff is moving with the girl child. The house will feel different but hopefully the same as well. I'm going to have to look for some paid work too as we try and help out the girl while she is living it up as a student :)
It's been 20 years since I was last employed so going back to that is really scary, so much has changed.


We're trying to lean into this change though. Go with it, but it is so hard. What do you mean I'll only be cooking for 2 people in the evening not 4? No more snuggling up for a snooze with the girl as we chat about mundane stuff or giggle like school children.
No more kisses from a tired husband as he slips into a warm bed at 7am after working so hard during the night.
No more hands on mothering, my role now will be to guide and advise not role up my sleeves and delve head first into things needing the most attention.

Change is inevitable. Change is constant. ( B. Disraeli) And it is a life lesson I am going to have to learn!

Keep on keeping on...

                  So, start a journey of self exploration they said... It'll be fun they said... Hmmm.

                        Spiritually, mentally and physically. Put the work in and you'll find yourself.

Physically   Back in February I joined a gym. I had to make my daughter join with me as a comfort blanket and also as a reason for me to go. The maternal gene is huge in me so if Loll went I would have to also go just to make sure she was ok - see what I did there??? I tricked my brain into making me do something I didn't want to do by playing the Mum card! *taps forehead in a smart manner :)
And I'm up to 45 minute sessions 5 days a week - yay me!!!
I never thought in a million years that the gym was the place to be but going there has sure helped alter my view of myself.  I am terrified of being judged, not just a little bit but great, whopping planet sized amounts of judgement.
Most of it comes from my own brain - "You're so useless, why would anyone want to talk to you..."
"You're so fat and that makes you a second class citizen, not even worthy of people talking to you"
"See those people over there? Well, they are laughing at you because you're so hideous."

Seriously, this is typical of the one sided conversation that goes on in my mind, day in and day out. This leads me nicely onto...

Mentally   Well, as I was saying, my brain can be a tad mean to itself. I liken it to having a tired, spoilt, mardy child sat on my shoulder, shouting in their best whispering voice in my ear about all the things I'm terrible at and how hideous I am and that folks would be better off without me. This child is called Anxiety and it normally kicks me in the stomach at least 5 times a day. Now when I say I get anxious I don't mean the proverbial 'butterflies in my stomach.'
I'm talking; arial acrobatics within my stomach, headache, sweats, thoughts racing at 150mph, digestive issues (yes that is code for toilet worries...) and tears - great big sobbing tears.
On top of all that I'm hearing the child tell me how useless I am and how my husband must be a blind fool to put up with me and on and on it goes.

So I've decided that I'm going to stop listening. All those hurtful things I say to myself, I wouldn't dream of saying them to another human being so why am I letting myself think its ok to say them to little ol' me?
I am a work in progress. I am trying to be gentler with myself, talking kindly to the seething mess of anxiety that lives in my brain. I'm doing new things that terrify me and part of me is still convinced that behind the smiles of everyone I meet is a sneer and that they are thinking awful thoughts about me. But soon my neurons will get the memo that I'm moving on from this way of thinking and easing into what I think is a bit more suitable - love and acceptance.
I know that if I stayed at home I would still feel the terrible burden of anxiety but on the flip side I'd feel it if I was trying new things, sooooo I am getting out there and taking part in life. Still scared but doing new things, going new places. It's all about trying to see myself through the eyes of my loved ones and not my own eyes.


Spiritually   I search for God. A lot. God is very elusive. I've searched for Him/Her/It in the bible, in the veda's, meditating under the open sky, the torah, quran, in the summer solstice and through the eyes of devout people.
"Which God do you believe in?" you may ask...
"The magnificent one" I say. "The one that loves me whatever I look like, that resides in nature and guides me gently through troubled waters OR calm waters for that matter... the one that dwells in me and helps me be the kinder, more loving person that I know I am. That's the God I believe in."

But sometimes I feel I am no closer to Him/Her/It than I am to- let's say, the nearest galaxy.

I keep asking for a sign but I've not been hit by one bolt of lightning so far :)
Maybe the Divine is sat there trying to tell me to open my eyes and then I'll see it... A nice, neat little sign post that says "Divine spirit this way, only 5 miles to go"




So that's where I am, halfway in and halfway behind myself. Moving forwards while staying stationary.
Changes always start with a tiny step eh.

How to take a bit of heart break and not let it hurt so much..

Cam is nearly 17. This kinda freaks me out a bit. I obviously turned round to pick something up in 1999 and turned back again and it is 2013, I've lost about 13 or so years.








The difficult thing for me is that as he's grown up he's drifted away as well.

From being the tiny baby who we didn't know whether he was going to even live past the age of 8 months (dodgy plumbing in his heart...) through to all the Asperger's connotations, I've been the one closest to him. My arm stretched out to catch before he even knew he was about to fall, I would grab him a jumper 2 minutes before he came to tell me he was cold, I could answer his question before he even asked it. I was linked to him so closely that sometimes I couldn't tell where I finished and he started.


































Being an aspie meant that life has been a bit of a mine field but somehow I knew just where to step so those bombs didn't explode and 9 times out of 10 I could soothe the savage beasts that took hold of him when his life became just too much.

But he's finally reached the teenage years :) even though chronologically he's been there for quite a while and that closeness is dissipating too quickly for me, it's like trying to grab hold of handfuls of smoke - it just slips through my fingers.

I am beyond thrilled that he is now reaching out to other family members and currently his big sis is being super fantabulous and I find them just hanging out together - I love this!! He talks and she listens and he engages. After so many years of him not being interested in being a part of something he is now emerging like a butterfly from it's cocoon, smelling the sweet air and tasting the dew on his tongue.

But it is still a wrench for me, this new stage in his life... I find myself being snapped at for doing something, that 6 months ago, would have been welcomed. Or I get the teenage look of doom for saying something that is inevitably the wrong thing at the wrong time. Hence the heartache, I'm losing him in a way but gaining him at the same time, gone are the days of watching Thomas the Tank Engine and in are the conversations sat around the fire pit about how to facilitate time travel... Yes, really.

It's not easy having teens but at the same time it's sooo exciting watching them grow. The mothering gene should have an 'opt out' switch for these kind of murky waters when it hurts.
As I said to someone recently - parenting hits you with the full 360 of emotions and generally speaking, all within an hour!

So, now I'm looking at the big world with my own eyes, not through the eyes of my children or husband or even dogs... Trying to find my place in it is going to be tough, I think.

All growd up.

What do Mothers do when their kids are all grown? Is there a special class somewhere we can go to that will teach us how to integrate with normal society sans children? For nearly 19 years I have been a Mum, I've nurtured and cosseted, disciplined and educated (literally- as we home schooled!) been a personal cheerleader and psychotherapist, cook and pot washer and about a thousand other things that hang under the title of 'Parent.' After reading Rae's blog about Motherhood and all it's wily ways I pondered how different it is being at the opposite end of the stick - my days of having pre teens and toddlers running about are over. Each stage of parenthood proffers its own craziness, yes?

The girl is off to university in September - WOAH! Wait a minute, university you say??? My child? Old enough to be doing stuff on her own.... When did this happen. So panic sets in and you second guess yourself about whether or not you have prepared this amazing human being enough to be out there in this big ol' world without you to hold their hand. What do you mean they'll have to budget for food, wash their own clothes, remember to lock up at night!!!! I can barely do that myself and I am 40 and she is just a child at almost 19. Hang on a minute, here comes the panic again...

And the boy is off to college soon, Nearly 17 and as tall and hairy as a full grown man. Eeeek.
He wants to be a scientist, to be honest I think he already is. Always wanting to know how the world works on a teeny tiny molecular level. Again, amazement at this serious young man we've raised. He's overcome more difficulties than most adults ever have to face and is simply awesome.






So now me and the husband have to start this new chapter in our lives as the kids start writing their own books.
We'll have to remember to talk to each other without using stuff the kids have done to start the conversation... Wait a minute - you mean that's even a possibility??

This is going to be a bumpy ride I reckon, remembering how to be a person in your own right - not just a parent or partner. You mean I count for something that doesn't involve cooking noodles or cleaning clothes? Of course I do but I sometimes forget this. For just one day I'd like to be able to see myself through Sherm's eyes because apparently he doesn't see a fat, useless lump. He sees his equal in every glance he casts my way, he sees beauty where as I see ugliness, he loves me unconditionally. I'm a very lucky woman. One incredible husband, two fantabulous kids who are rising to their own challenges and a new lawn in the back garden... What more could a girl ask for eh? :)

Garden goodness

My most favourite place to be is outdoors. What ever the weather. Outdoors.
The down side of having dogs (we used to have a cat who liked to leave us presents everywhere) is that they kinda ruin any chance of a garden you could have. Keep in mind one of our four legged friends weighs in at about 140lbs and our lawn suffered terribly. Plants were a no go too as they were always being inspected by paws and teeth so very frequently.

As the year has been progressing we kept look out into the back yard at what we laughingly called a garden and we despaired. Hands were wrung and brows furrowed, teeth gnashed and even some timely pacing occurred. Finally we weighed the pros and cons of a garden upgrade and decided that it was time to grab the bull by the horns and call in the big guns.

And after a weekend of hard work we now have grass! And an area to plant! And a border where I can sow wild flowers to attract the bees!
My soul truly lifts every time I look through a window and see a lush carpet of green goodness.

Except for the time we looked and saw the big pile of black feathers... Our neighbour witnessed the carnage - as swift as an arrow in flight, a kestrel had swooped down and attacked a blackbird that was happily strutting around. Then as quickly as it arrived, it flew off with the poor, dead blackbird in it's talons.
Unhappy as I was about the poor bird and my messy garden I was amazed at how close to wildlife we are in our cities. In our locality and seen on a regular basis are foxes, owls, badgers and now a kestrel! We share our spaces.